Push on till the day

Here we are. The week of the anniversary of Drew's death. Right now I'm doing surprisingly okay, but it is like the calm before the storm.

The plan as it stands is for my husband and I to work as normal for the beginning of the week. We are both taking off Thursday, which is the actual anniversary, and Friday. On Saturday we are having a short service at the grave followed by dinner and writing/telling of Drew stories at the church. We are hoping to collect all the stories in a book for Meg, so she can remember her brother. Of course since they are twins, Drew stories frequently include Meg as well, so the stories will also be about her.

The service on Saturday is partly for us and Meg, so that we can remember Drew with a supportive community. It is also for a few people who couldn't make it to the funeral, notably my sister-in-law and my maid-of honor. They were both on bedrest at the time. My maid-of-honor with partial placenta previa. My sister-in-law for pre-term labor, which started the night Drew died, before anyone knew he was dead. Both babies arrived at term and are doing well, although my nephew has had some surgeries post birth.

We had hoped to place the gravestone this week as well. We dragged our feet and haven't ordered one yet. Also we discovered they don't like to place them until the ground thaws. So it will be just the temporary marker, the birch tree, and some flowers marking his grave. We are hoping the cemetery and grave are accessible, since the snow here is still about a foot deep despite warmer weather.

We have bought convenience foods for cooking this week. I am desperately trying to make it through my grading, which I should be working on right now, but can't. I have two classes worth of exams, a pile of papers, and the usual daily homework left. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done, but it would be nice to not have to come back to it after this week is over. My husband and I are both hoping that work is a helpful distraction rather than a burden this week. While we have plenty of support for food and childcare if needed, we don't really have any backup plans if we need to miss work earlier in the week.

We have no idea what we will do on Thursday, the anniversary. We figure we will send Meg to preschool as normal. We'll probably go to the cemetery. No other plans. We waver between making lots of plans to distract ourselves and not planning anything so we don't feel even worse when we aren't up for them.

Friday we have even fewer plans, other than sending Meg to preschool. We are hoping once the anniversary passes on Thursday that we might be able to relax some and do some stuff around the house on Friday.

I know some of you have walked this lonely grief road I walk. What did you do?