Heartburn is often my early warning system for myself when it is a hard grief day. Sometimes it even arrives before I'm aware I'm particularly upset. I grieve everyday. Some days the grief is just a fog that covers everything and some days it's a brick wall. On the brick wall days the heartburn is nearly as bad as it was towards the end of pregnancy. Constant and only dulled not fixed by antacids. It is an adding insult to injury event. Grief and its effect on my mood by itself is not enough, my body must remind me that the stress is getting to it as well.
I've had heartburn pretty much continuously since last Wednesday.
It is less than two weeks until the anniversary of Drew's death. My husband and I are taking a couple of days off then and we have something planned at the church for that weekend. Until then though I just need to function. I don't want to function. I want to cancel classes and let the grading grow into tremendously large piles. I have no patience. Lack of patience leads to anger.
Anger is common for small problems and large now. Oddly enough I'm not particularly mad Drew died right now, although I think that may be denial. I'm mad that the rest of the world keeps going on and getting on my nerves. Mundane problems drive me crazy. Why are you making my life more difficult with your small problem when I already have this large one? I have enough on my plate already, thanks.
Of course Meg in all of her four year old splendor both helps and aggravates this problem. She can be wonderful when we are down being silly and giving extra hugs. She can also be contrary and obstinate. When she feels ignored she often acts out. Like drawing on the walls, which she hasn't done in awhile. We think it is just to get some more attention. We of course feel guilty about not giving her the attention she needs. She deserves two functioning parents and a live brother. Instead she has two partially functioning grieving parents and has to learn how to be an only child.
Hopefully in two weeks things will suck less. Right?
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I find that, because I am relatively angry most of the time, little annoyances can tip me over the edge into seeing red. Like 'the straw that broke the camel's back' the one little thing is just suddenly too much.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you over the coming weeks.