Sunday, May 23, 2010


Well the semester is over and I am not teaching for the summer so I should have time to post again.

After graduation we headed out for a week of vacation at Rehoboth with my husband's family. I wasn't absolutely certain this was a good idea since I often am still unwinding and stressed out at this point. Also my husband's family has a different traveling style than I do, one where we talk about doing things, but nothing is ever actually planned it just happens or not.

The trip was rough in ways I didn't quite expect.

The differences in planning style were annoying, but I did get used to them eventually. What I didn't expect was that grief would rear its ugly head quite so often.

The first day there was awful. It was Meg's first experience with the ocean and Drew never got to see the ocean. My husband and I could just feel the weight of vacationing together as a family for the first time without Drew. It felt wrong.

Also when my husband and I both hang out with Meg, I can feel the lack of Drew. Meg really doesn't require the attention of both parents. Twins often does, so parenting has changed a lot for us since Drew has been gone.

The family was nice to see, but hard to bear in such large doses. Especially when the extended family was around. While my husband's family has been better at discussing Drew and grief, it wasn't the case this time. It was like the large elephant in the room than no one talked about. Only my husband and I mentioned Drew or grief. We haven't seen some of the extended family since Drew died, but none of them mentioned Drew. At one point someone commented on how the grandchildren all had blond hair and blue eyes. That's only the living grandchildren, Drew had brown hair and brown eyes. I had to get up and leave the room to cry.

I guess we've outlived the statue of limitations for condolence wishes and everyone feels awkward about the whole thing. It leaves me feeling like I have to pretend that everything is okay. It isn't and if I could figure out how to talk about it in a way that doesn't involve me getting really upset, I would. I'm guessing this will be what we discuss at grief counseling this week.

Meg loved the ocean and played in the sand and got wet in waves, which were quite cold. She loved writing Mom, Dad, Meg, and Drew in the sand. She followed footprints and drew "dinosaur" footprints for us to find and exclaim over. She loved riding on the rides at Funland and seeing dolphins, both in the ocean and at the Baltimore aquarium on the way home.

I enjoyed seeing the ocean out the window in the morning, flying the kite we bought, and eating yummy food. My husband went to Rehobeth as a child and enjoyed seeing all the old places again, eating Thresher's fries, and going to Dogfish head.

I'm hoping the next vacation is more relaxing than grief work. We'll won't find out until next summer, since we are unlikely to be able to manage more than long weekends for the rest of the summer.

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