Drew's day

We decided a bit ago to call the anniversary of Drew's death, Drew's day. It worked better for us than saying the rather long phrase the anniversary of Drew's death or the angelversary which didn't work for us.

So it's Drew's day. We dropped Meg off at preschool and have been to the cemetery. We'll take Meg there later and bring flowers and probably balloons if Meg comes with us to the florist shop.

Then we'll go for Mexican and eat avocados which were his favorite food in his honor. It is the best ritual we've come up with so far. That and looking at old pictures.

So here are some pictures.

Hope. peace. love, and that other thing

Well I should probably update. We made it through both Christmas and Drew and Meg's birthday the day after. Neither were as bad as last year, but we were of course sad in patches.

We have started thinking about the things we can stand to do even if they suck a bit and the things that aren't worth it. Birthday party for Meg on her and Drew's birthday: worth it. Attending church during the joy Sunday of advent: not worth it. The four Sunday's of advent have themes of hope, peace, love, and joy. We can manage the first three, although church is often not easy to bear, but the last one was awful. Not that I don't have moments of joy, but Christmas isn't really about joy for me right now.

I'll write more about the birthday later I hope, assuming I'm not too busy this semester. However right now we do best when we are reasonably busy, when there is something to do and not too much time to think. I suspect it will remain this way until we make it through the anniversary of Drew's death at the end of February.

Halloween recap

Okay. So I've been busy at work and haven't blogged. In fact the only reason I'm writing now is that my afternoon meeting was canceled unexpectedly leaving me with unassigned time.


Halloween went okay. Nowhere near as bad as last year.

Meg was a ballerina kitty cat. She looked really cute. I knit her the ears and the fingerless gloves. By the end of the evening she had lost some of the felt off the gloves.



My husband and I walked with the large crowd of children and parents we were trick or treating with for awhile. Meg seemed like she was fully comfortable with the other kids and there were plenty of grownups, so we went and sat on our porch, handed out candy, and knitted. Meg came home exhausted from running from house to house and on a sugar buzz. We let her have one more piece of candy and then sent her to bed. She still has candy left now slightly more than a month out from Halloween.

Note the two pumpkins. We had the large pumpkin from one of our neighbors who tries to grow the largest possible pumpkin every year. After Nora and her daddy had carved it, we all looked at it and realized there should be another pumpkin. So the small pumpkin is for Drew. We eventually carved it with a happy guy face and took it out to the cemetery.

Monday memory: Halloween

So Meg has been insisting she wants to be a kitty cat ballerina for Halloween this year. However since she has also wanted to be just a cat or a ballerina or a butterfly, we are waiting another week to see if the choice is solid.

Halloween really sucked last year for us. This is probably pretty normal since it was the first one without Drew. Fortunately Meg was trick-or-treating with a bunch of friends and their parents and so we could stay home and cry instead of taking her around. Meg had a blast. Hopefully this year will be better, but the group trick-or-treating is still happening so we don't have to go if we can't. I've been knitting my husband a Totoro hat for him to wear if we go. I have no idea what I would wear for a costume.

On Meg and Drew's first Halloween they were about 10 months. So we dressed them in these onesies and stayed home and answered the door. I remember that the neighborhood identical twins stopped by and I was proud to point out we had twins as well.


The second Halloween I wanted to take them trick-or-treating. We tried. We made it as far as next door. They enjoyed handing out the candy to kids who stopped by. Meg wouldn't wear her wig, but wore it for dress up for the rest of the year.



The third Hallloween they were two and half. They finally got it. We made it around the block despite it being cold, wet and windy. I figured this was the last time I could dress them up in identical outfits so I was enjoying it. These are the outfits mentioned in this memory.


Last year since Drew was gone, I couldn't bear to pick out a costume and Meg has her own strong opinions about clothing, so I let her pick stuff from her dress up collection. She called herself a "cowgirl princess." She had a blast trick-or-treaing and eating the candy afterwards.


Hopefully this year we will be easier for us. Meg is already stating that she wishes that it could be Halloween today. I'm not so sure.

Monday memory: the mall

Grief is an odd creature. It likes to sneak up on you and hit you with a wave of sadness unexpectedly.

We went to the mall in a neighboring bigger town Saturday. We go there fairly regularly. The mall has most of the clothing stores my husband and I like to shop at and a play area. Meg always wants to go to the play area. So we go there first and then my husband and I take turns shopping while the other one watches Meg.

This time the playground was full of little boys. Little boys about Meg's age, which of course means I began to wonder about Drew and what he would be doing now. It is odd that this bothered me particularly since Meg does go to preschool, where there are lots of little boys her age as well. Meg of course did notice I was upset and came over to give me a hug and I told her as I do in these situations that I was sad because I missed Drew.

Thank goodness for the distraction of knitting. I had brought a paid of Meg's socks to knit. Otherwise I would have done some major crying in public, again. Not that I really care if I cry in public, but it is a bit awkward.

We have been going to this play area for quite awhile. I remember going there and having them crawl on the mats before they could walk. I remember the first time they were old enough to climb in the slide/ball pit area and they would only do it holding onto one of our hands. I remember early potty training where one of them would need to use the potty just as we had arrived (and of course the potty was a ways away from there) I remember going there just for the distraction during long winter days during break and it being so busy Meg wasn't interested in playing in the slide area but Drew was.

I guess the places that are filled with memories of Drew will always have an ability to hit the grief button at any moment. Perhaps it will wear of eventually, we'll see.

Monday memory: the volcano sisters

We found out at least 3 seasons of the Backyardigans are available for instant watching on Netflix. So we've now watched most of three seasons in the last month or so. This is one of the more tolerable children's shows for me to watch, although my favorite remains the Muppet Show, which the kids also loved.

Meg and Drew always liked watching Backyardigans and dancing to the music. Meg always pretended to be Tasha and Drew was Uniqua. I was occasionally allowed to be Tyrone or Pablo, but Meg objected to the idea that I wanted to pretend to be a boy, although never to Drew pretending to be a girl. After Drew died, she said I could be Uniqua now because Drew was gone.

Their favorite was the Legend of the Volcano sisters. In it Tasha and Uniqua are the volcano sisters and they spend time saying "We are mad" very loudly until eventually the others invite them to the luau. While Meg and Drew enjoyed dancing and watching the shows, this is the only one they pretended to be after watching. They would sit on the back of the couch and yell delightedly "We are mad!"

Fortunately I was not around when Meg decided to rewatch the episode last week. My husband said it was more pleasant to remember than he thought it would be. Perhaps it will be, I'm sure I'll get a chance to watch it with her eventually.

And so it begins

The semester began two weeks ago and I haven't gotten a chance to post since. I'm hoping to get back to the Monday memory once I figure out where to fit it into the day. I'm also hoping to get back to reading/commenting on other blogs.

Meg began preschool again this Monday. She was so excited to be back at preschool rather than daycare. In typical fashion she is now difficult to get to leave preschool. She wants to stay and play with all the cool toys.

Here is a picture of her first day back. She chose to wear the shirt I picked up for her at a conference. It was swimming on her in January and now it fits pretty well with room to grow. I expect she'll need the room to grow as her shoe size just changed again. Meg is standing on the play area we bought for the preschool with Drew's memorial money. I like that the picture includes something that reminds me of him as well.